WE OWN YOUR
ASS INC.
Nine to five. Every day. No exceptions, no love, no severance package shaped like affection. We are a fictitious corporation with a very real org chart, and you are currently on it.
Employees
Timo
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Joining soon
—
Merch
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Approved Entertainment Channels
Consumption of the following is optional. Your continued employment is not.
CH-01
→YouTube
Mandatory viewing, technically
CH-02
→TikTok
Fifteen seconds of your remaining life
CH-03
→Instagram
Curated proof that we are fine
CH-04
→Facebook
For your aunt, mostly
Compensation & So-Called Benefits
As required by a jurisdiction we are not naming.
Dental
We acknowledge you have teeth.
PTO
Accrues. Approval does not.
Snacks
One (1) bowl. Communal. Do not ask what flavor.
Growth
The company grows. You remain the same size.
Excerpt from the Employee Handbook, page 1
Welcome. You will arrive at 9:00 AM. You will leave at 5:00 PM, theoretically. In between, you belong to us in the way a stapler belongs to a desk — present, useful, replaceable without ceremony. We do not offer inspiration. We offer a paycheck and a lanyard. Please do not lose the lanyard.
